Problem solving skills: Why support is better than advice

Have you noticed how many 'fixers' there are out there? These are the people who can’t wait to give you advice at the first sign of any uncertainty. But can someone else really have answers which will make your life perfect?

Just quietly, I'm a bit over the idea that there are blanket problem solving solutions to individual problems. Maybe what works really well for you is not necessarily right for me.

I’m not suggesting I can do it all alone or that I’ve got everything sorted. Far from it. I need support as much the next person. What I don’t need, though, is ‘fixing’.

You see, I might really admire you and love your work, but if I’m just trying to emulate your success I may never find the myriad threads that weave the intricate and unique story of who I am. My very own story, with all its peaks and troughs, its painful stumbling blocks, its moments of grace and glory, is mine and mine alone.

It is my life’s work to create and experience the story of who I am. If I just do what you tell me to do, I’m handing over my creativity, my power, and my belief in my ability to be the author of my own life.

When you tell me what to do, the message you’re sending is you know better than me how to tell the story of who I am. You’re showing a lack of faith in my ability to sort out my own issues, to solve my problems or find my own answers.

The best mentors I’ve had have been ‘supporters’ rather than ‘fixers’. They’re the ones who’ve said: “What do you think?” when I’ve asked for advice. When I’ve been going through a rough patch, they’ve said: “I see this is difficult for you; I know you can get through it. I’m here with you”.

They heard me. They told me they saw me and they acknowledged and encouraged me. The message here was,“I believe in your capacity to work through this. I know you have the resources”. This has been far more valuable to me than “Listen to me – I know what you should do!”

Knowing what it’s like to be on the receiving end of both approaches, I work hard at being in the ‘supporter’ category. When I catch myself telling someone what to do, I stop, make amends, and reframe my comments in a way that puts responsibility back in the hands of the person to whom it truly belongs. And amazing things happen, things that would not be possible if I simply offered a solution or tried to direct a course of action.

Supporters understand that there’s room for your story to unfold in a way that they couldn’t possibly script for you – they know they have neither the right nor the responsibility.

What’s more, in this environment a mutual meeting place is created where an authentic and intimate connection is possible. There’s no power struggle here. There are no assumptions at play about who is right or wrong; smart or stupid; having or lacking; teacher or student.

Often our stories are pedestrian in their ordinariness, other times they are truly remarkable. Whatever the case on any given day, we have a right to own those stories and a responsibility to create them ourselves. I think we need all the support from on another that we can get.

But no matter how broken we might seem, we do not need someone else to fix us.

Kath O'Sullivan is a writer, editor and facilitator who helps people find their authentic voice and use it to tell the stories of who they are.

5 comments | Add your own

I see your point Kathy but I disagree.
I don’t believe that either support or advice is better than the other. They’re both just different forms of assistance. I believe the choice of assistance comes down to a number of variables such as: the situation at-hand, the person in the situation requiring assistance and the person providing the advice/support.
At times, we really do need someone to fix something (or some situation), and fix it fast. It doesn’t take away from our ability to author our own lives. I like to think of this much like how a mechanic fixes our car. We still own and drive the car but we occasionally need the help of someone who is an expert (or who’s had good experience in a particular area) to fix something when it breaks so we’re back on track again.
I see the use of a support approach when the person requiring assistance has the internal ability to overcome a roadblock, or challenge themselves but needs the emotional guidance, empathy and some insight to assist them with making progress. These are situations where it is imperative for the person requiring assistance to overcome the problem themselves because it will have implications on future situations for them.
If you take either one of these approaches to the extreme you won’t get very far. For example: you can live your life having your problems fixed all the time by someone else and never really learn the skills to overcome them yourself. On the flipside, you can learn to solve every single problem you ever encounter largely on your own and you won’t make much progress either.
It’s a judgement call which varies from situation to situation. Jeremy Grey from Sydney, Australia
This is idea thought provoking. Anyone can use this is many areas of their lives. I'm not yet a business owner, but I'm a mother and teacher and i feel i can transfer to deal with young people. Alison from Bateau Bay
Increasingly more people do not want to take responsibility for their own actions - seeking to blame the government, their boss, partners - everyone but themself. By seeking out advisors they can shift blame if they do not get the outcome they want. As a manager of staff, I try to empower the individual to make their own final decision. But in doing so you do need to both advise and support in the exploration of ideas to assist them in making a decision. Otherwise why are they coming to you. If it is only to dump their woes then it not productive for them or yourself. More likely they have sought you out because you are skilled in an area and they actually want some guidance and advice to make an informed decision.
At the end of the day it comes down to the individual concerned and the situation at hand as to what strategy the supporter/advisor should adopt. Ken from Mount Gambier
Hi Kath - as a long-term coach/mentor, I love this article! Nobody likes to be told, but we all need a helping hand from time to time. Equally, you have reminded me of the importance of not giving a hungry man a fish, but to teaching him how to fish! Grant Hyman from Sydney | Read my articles
Hi,
As an inveterate fixer, I take your words to heart. But then I wonder - isn't even this advice a fix too? It's hard to know the boundaries between support and fixing. Linda from Sydney

5 comments | Add your own

Add Your comments

Preview comment

Name

Website *

Town / city and country

Email (never sold, displayed or given away)

* This will link your name to your site. So please avoid self promotion elsewhere! We delete spam, disrespectful or off-topic comments.