Get real: Listening skills and being yourself

Some soloists like to adopt different identities at work and at home. But if you avoid being yourself or leave a big part of yourself out of our work, you fail to be authentic.

Susan Scott summed this up in her book Fierce Conversations “There is no workable separation of selves at work and at home. We are ourselves all over the place, and it is this real self that is felt and experienced at a deeply personal level by ourselves and everyone on the receiving end of us, whether we acknowledge it or not.”

It all comes down to listening skills and being present.

Being present is critical in solo businesses as the work is immediately and inextricably personal. Your clients are buying your engagement, your presence. If you are not fully present, you are not providing them with the most value.

Think of it this way – if you bought a television and discovered it only shows a single channel, you’d feel cheated right?

Being present is a key ingredient for being yourself. We all like working with people who are real. If you were seeking the services, whether it's of a mechanic or a surgeon, would you choose someone who think of their work as “an impersonal, competent, efficient, delivery of quality, definable and measurable outcomes?” Or would you prefer someone who listens and engages with you as a whole person? Someone you feel you can relate to; who recognises and connects with you as a person and not as the down payment on their next boat?

When someone pays us their undivided attention, it clearly signals to us that they care about what we have to say and what we are thinking. We feel validated and heard – the very things we all crave as social creatures.

There is also a personal reason for being fully present. Whether we work for someone else or ourselves, work consumes a significant portion of our lives. I believe work can be consciously designed as a vehicle for personal growth and fulfilment. Since we are already investing all that time; why not make it truly worth our while?!

Life is a journey and work is part of that, so the only way to reap the whole benefit of that journey would be to pay attention. Have you even been on holidays when you were unwell, or you were worried about a big personal or career issue? How much of that holiday do you actually remember enjoying?

Being present with someone means: maintaining eye contact, maintaining an open body language, listening without formulating your response in your head, openly discussing an issue without hard-selling your one fixed point of view.

It helps a great deal if you can choose the people you want as clients and suppliers. After all, it is hard to be present with someone you want to run away from at the first opportunity!

So how does it feel to be present? You are likely to feel it when interaction with a close friend. Notice how you feel, and how you are interacting with each other. Do you listen genuinely to each other? Do you maintain eye contact? Do you suspend (immediate) judgement? Do you really try and understand what they are saying, to see their point of view, and to fit the new information onto what you already know about them?

Being 100% present is the most respect you can show a client; or any one else for that matter, including yourself. Being present is the only way to honour the journey of your life.

Are you already fully present in your interaciton with clients? Or could you take more of yourself to work? Tell us in the comments.

Zern Liew is a thinking designer who uses his creative problem solving skills to help clients build beautiful businesses.

16 comments | Add your own 1 2 3 | Next» View all»

You’ve made some valid points Zern but I can’t say I accept your opinion.
Being a soloist myself, I believe it’s very important NOT to bring your WHOLE self to work. There needs to be separation. It’s not as though we’re becoming someone else when we work, we just need a layer of professionalism when dealing with others so that we can get on with things.
It all comes down to behaving appropriately for the conditions/circumstances. Obviously you act differently when you’re at a funeral than you would at a party. Same goes with business – there is a certain way to behave and operate. This has nothing to do with being inauthentic or dishonest or “not being yourself.” I think you’ve confused these issues in your article.
John Schwartz from Adelaide, Australia
I think it's important that we have our whole self at work, but that we show the appropriate facet. So we have a work front, and a home front, and Mum front - you get the idea. When talking with clients about working from home, it seems that the biggest challenge is to work out the routine that allows them to fully engage their work front at work. Going through the looking glass, as it were. For some, it's putting shoes on, even in their PJ's. For some, it's the handbag on the floor, for some it's wearing tights. etc Denise Maffey CA from Kumeu
Thanks for your comments John. I get what you are saying. Bringing your whole self to work does not mean having no boundaries or taking no responsibility for your actions and behaviour. So often, being "professional" means checking your real self at the door. You learn to follow a specified way of behaving. You leave your humanity behind. You are professional but no longer you. Zern Liew from eicolab | Read my articles
Denise raised a great point. There are different sets of behaviours appropriate for different situations, and different situations require we think in different mindsets and approaches. But underlying all of these behaviours and thoughts, we are still ourselves. Our SELVES underlie our actions, thoughts and behaviours. Zern Liew from eicolab | Read my articles
Professionalism is being businesslike ,competent and thorough : however you can still have empathy and a human side such as admitting mistakes and showing you are an understanding person to the client. Clients need to know you care ... A DELLER from MELBOURNE
How could we not be ourselves at work?
Only by great effort - which takes away from the enjoyment of life.
Of course being ourselves doesn't mean doing the same things everywhere. As you say it is about presence - about 'showing up'.
Thanks for an important and articulate post. Evan from Sydney, Australia

16 comments | Add your own 1 2 3 | Next» View all»

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