Effective communication: Facing the frustration of "You don't understand!"

Do you ever get stuck trying to communicate a certain understanding of something? No matter what you say or how hard you try to make yourself plain, the person on the other end is just not getting it. So why aren't you having effective communication?

In this scenario, sometimes the other person doesn’t seem to care. You find yourself crying out (aloud or inside) “…but you don’t understand!” If you find yourself in this situation often, it could be pathological.

You know you’ve got a case of the you-don’t-understands when:

You feel frustrated that others are repeatedly missing the point;
You feel defensive about your point of view;
You get stuck in a conversation with two opposing positions and neither you or the other person will budge;
You see yourself as “right” and the other as “wrong”;
You approach conflict from a “win-lose” rather than a “win-win” perspective.

It’s terribly frustrating, isn’t it? I can get so attached to the idea that this other person has to understand me…but when I take a step back, I can’t help but wonder why? Why is it so important that I get them to see the world through my eyes?

I think the reason is we all want to be acknowledged. We want our voice to be heard, and our experiences validated. We need to feel respected and valued and supported as we communicate and connect with people in meaningful ways.

However, insisting we be understood by others rarely makes it happen, nor does it tend to endear us to those we would have listen.

Perhaps the trick is shifting our attention to understanding rather than being understood. Clearly this is not an original idea, I recall Francis of Assisi had something to say on the matter.

Putting this noble concept into action is guaranteed to shake things up. As we shift our focus from our precious position or the content of the “debate”, and hone in on the way we’re communicating with the other person, we take our awareness to the relationship.

Sometimes bringing the discussion into the present moment can help. For example: “It seems like we just keep going back and forth with this. I’m feeling really stuck. How does talking like this feel for you?”

Having brought attention onto the process and off the content, you are better able to explore new territory and find out what’s going on for the other person. At the very least you might be able to identify one piece of common ground – your mutual dissatisfaction with the way the conversation had been unfolding. You’re probably on the same side there.

When we turn our attention to understanding the other (person, client, partner, colleague) we send an important message: what matters to you is important to me. Seeing the world through their eyes also gives us valuable information about what they hear and how they make meaning.

By asking questions and listening, we learn about others' values, their personal filters, what makes them tick, their personality and temperament (equally applicable to individuals and organisations). Reflecting back to the other what we hear them saying, demonstrates empathy and caring. It models effective communication behaviour to them at the same time.

How are you communicating with the people who matter to you? Are you all caught up in being understood, or are you seeking to understand? If, like me, you often stuck in the former, here’s a challenge you might like to take up.

Next time you feel like someone is not listening or not understanding your very important point, ask them: “what comes up for you when I talk about this?” If you can refrain from defending, justifying or arguing your position while you probe further and further into theirs, you might learn something and transform the way you communicate with that person forever. Who knows – you might even end up on the same side.

Kath O'Sullivan is a writer, editor and facilitator who helps people find their authentic voice and use it to tell the stories of who they are.

7 comments | Add your own

I'm not sure this article works for me. Good communication comes down to using language and behaviours the recipient respects and understands, and feedback mechanisms that shows they comprehend. If that means I step out of my comfort zone, I must learn to live with that. If that means I must repeat myself over and over using different words and languages that's where it's at too. Nothing frustrates me more than being told the same thing in the same words over and over again if I didn't get it the first time around (such as the usual call centre interaction of scripting). Denise Maffey CA from Kumeu NZ
Thanks for the article, Kath.
Years ago, when I worked for the Government, my boss sent me to a workshop on personality types and communication (Myer Briggs stuff). As a scientist, I initally wasn't into this "touchy feely" stuff, but went along (I had no choice). It was the most interesting workshop I ever went to. Understanding that different people perceive, learn and understand from different perspectives was life changing and to this day I still use some of the approaches on how to communicate with differing personality types, in my solo career and it has proved to be essential, especially for the types of debates we science boffins get into.
Gary McMahon from Dunborough WA
We have 2 ears and 1 mouth - obviously to be used in the same ratio! Grant Hyman from Sydney | Read my articles
Thanks, Kath, for the reminder that we could all listen more - a great approach to increasing understanding all round. I do find paying attention to the other person's way of communicating can help me to 'speak their language' . I have come across reports on categories of personality types (e.g. introverts, extroverts, feelers, inuitives, judges, etc.) that help with communication. As much as I hate putting people into boxes, it is remarkable how identifying the 'leanings' of an individual can clarify a discussion. Megan Hills from Brisbane | Read my articles
Great article Kath. I am currently working on increasing my listening and communication skills and believe these are paramount to my work as a lifecoach. It's not much help to anyone having all the answers if you don't even understand the question. Often what is not being said is key to identifying the real issue. Joan Bell from Newcastle Australia
Hi Kath. Your article brings up some key issues. Often when people don't understand, they become more wrappred up in that negative energy than they do in seeking solutions.Focusing on listening and other strategies are great points. Many people could all benefit from exploring others. Liara Covert from Melbourne
what useful info for me tonight. Your reminder of it gave me what I needed at the right time. Thanks for sharing! Holly B from St Pete Russia

7 comments | Add your own

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