Tell me what you really think

Sam Leader Judging by last week's poll results, we reckon we're excellent communicators. 70% of respondents describe their ability to communicate as 'higher than average'.

But what does it mean to be a 'good communicator'? My guess is most respondents assessed themselves in terms of how well they relayed ideas or concepts via writing and speaking. This is certainly how I interpreted it.

But on reflection, I've realised someone who's a master of words can still be a lousy communicator. How so? By habitually not saying what they mean, or acting out.

Not sure if you're a culprit? Here are some examples: someone says "Do you mind..?" and you say "Not at all" even though you do. You respond "I’m fine" when you're far from it.

Reasons for acting out include: you can't decide whether to assert yourself, you don't want to upset someone or conversely, you use it as a device to manipulate others.

Often, it occurs when you're aggrieved, although the strategy is far from helpful because real feelings that go unexpressed end up manifesting anyway, normally in a passive aggressive way.

What makes it confusing for those around you is that if they take you at face value, they're wrong, and even if they recognise what you're doing, they can't guess at what you really mean.

Saying what's in your heart can be hard when you're taught to comply. We're told "It’s not nice to say no" but you know what? It's not nice to say "yes" or "not at all" or "I’m fine" when you don't mean it.

So next time a client says "I know I've not paid you for the last job yet, but can I brief you on a new one?" Don't say "Okay" and then do a rubbish job for them because you're miffed or demotivated. Explain that it's simply not your policy and that you'd be happy to hear from them once the debt's cleared.

If you can be honest without being tactless, then you have the makings of a truly great communicator.

Do you agree? Don't be shy, tell me what you really think.

Until next week.

Love your work,

Sam Leader

Sam Leader is a director of Flying Solo and its editor. She is the co-author of Flying Solo - How to go it alone in business.

25 comments | Add your own 1 2 3 4 5 | Next» View all»

People only expect to hear "fine" or "OK" and are truly surprised when I say how I really feel. But I am generally so positive they don't think I can be unwell at all. Bill from Melbourne
I've always played a 'straight bat' tell it like it is ,no grey areas and you can achieve this by being polite,
this way business runs smoothly and everyone knows where they stand..and if you think someone is a little suspect don't work for them!
some of the best busines I've ever done..I never did!
(an old saying) Paul from Mitcham
Great article - I am British and have always taken the direct approach but find that Aussies tend to be too nice - stand up for yourselves and "grip" the situation! Louise from Brisbane
I think the problem occurs when one assumes that
there is an agreement. My brother & I are business partners & friends of some 15 years & yet even now I sometimes think we have an agreement & infact we find we have some distance to go. Checking assumed agreements can be a real insight. Des Sherlock - Oodles.com from North Melbourne
Sam,
yes, not what you say but how you say it might have right of way here. If I had a buck for every time a good colleague is down loading on me, at my invitation, about how hideous a client was to them about not paying, being difficult, changing the brief mid way through the job - well, I'd have well enough for free coffee on Macleay Street !!
I've learnt though, that when I ask a few salient questions on -
"Did you make your terms & cond's clear in writing around payment?"
"Did you send them a quick 1 pager on your understanding of how the brief had changed the last time you spoke with them about it?"
"Did you make it clear that every time your size 9's were on their turf that your meter would be on at whatever your rate is per hour?"
These are usually met with much chagrin and I notice at the risk of sounding like Casandra, the ones that never get it change the subject real fast. They also don't seem to persue their disatisfaction with me much after that.......
Hmmm, being in business is often about making mistakes - God, I know I have. But somewhere there has to be some responsibility for changeing behaviour to avoid the same errors I think.
Kind regards,
Peter
Peter Nixon from Potts Point
I think you're right in what you say. A lot of us think we're great communicators when really we aren't. I suffer from this problem myself. I'm fine with conveying ideas but I do often tell people simply what they want to hear. This is something I know i need to improve and I have been taking a positive approach at doing so. Hopefully with time I will become more assertive and will respond to people with the answers they truly deserve - not what I simply want them to hear. Jon from Terrigal NSW Australia

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