Balancing work and mothering

Recently I wrote about my decision to resume sending Christmas cards to clients and others I value. I was shocked when the reaction to what I thought was an innocent think piece proved so divisive.

So heaven knows what I’m doing writing about something actually controversial - balancing work and mothering!

Clearly the following is evidence that I will never learn, so be gentle with me.

Late last year, Sam Leader invited the mums amongst Flying Solo contributors to write on balancing work and mothering. The response was less than enthusiastic. We claimed we weren’t qualified. Excuses included “Too long ago for me”, “I only have one child’, “My business didn’t take off till later” and so on.

Women being women, maybe? After all I’m certain men would write on combining fathering and working, with quite some authority too. But also I think my reluctance and that of the other working mum contributors came from a position that we are just hanging on ourselves so who would we be to advise others?

Part of my lack of suitability to the task of writing on balancing work and mothering, I thought, was that my perspective tends not to fit mainstream expectations, so would not be what women wanted to read.

My view is women with children or planning to have children should combine their maternal pursuits with flying solo exactly however they please or are required to do because of economic, lifestyle, geographic, political, social, habitual or other reasons.

To summarise, women should mother and work or work and mother however they wish. They should ignore the opinions of others, and there will be many, and get on with doing whatever their circumstances require or enable.

Work? Not work? Close or sell the business? Just rest it for a while? Do whatever you want.

There are four important provisos but feel free to follow my earlier suggestion of ignoring the opinions of others, as these are just my opinions based on my 15 years of being a mum, 11 years of being a mum of three and 42 years of observing people living their lives.

Proviso 1. Maintaining your employability (or capacity to start or revive a soloist pursuit should you need to) throughout any full time mothering is more important than working through that period. Relationships can fail and so we shouldn’t let our capacity to earn an income fail us or our children. Studying, keeping up with trends, working part time and volunteering are just some ways to ensure you have current skills and knowledge to trade on if your circumstances change.

Proviso 2. Whatever combination of mothering and working you choose, including full time mothering, acknowledge to yourself that it is hard. Too many mothers wonder why they are ‘not coping’ when their lives don’t resemble those in magazines. We need to understand that however much we enjoy it, mothering is hard full stop.

Proviso 3. Remember whatever decisions you make about working and mothering, the time you choose not to spend with your kids cannot ever be reclaimed. They are not young for long; it’s all over in a blink; they are just on loan to us - absolutely all of the clichés are true.

Proviso 4. Once we are mothers, our lives and our responsibilities are changed forever. We will never fly solo again.

Karen Morath of M Power consults, trains, speaks and coaches in public relations, personal effectiveness, life balance and all things empowering.

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Karen,
What you say about maintaining your employability is really important. I see a lot of women around me going back to work, and whispering to me, computers completely baffle them, and their 10 year old now has more knowledge about computers than they do. If you use computers - keep your computer skills up to date, borrow books from the library, go to training courses, get MAVIS BEACON TOUCH TYPING TUTOR, improve your typing skills, you don't need to be working to be maintaining your computer skills!! Heather Smith from Brisbane
At 51 years young I have been a mum for over 25 years, a stepmum and grandmother for 11 years. I was a stay-at-home mum until my child was about 4 until I began my business with my late father's constant advice and encouragement. Then I was both a stay-at-home mum and business woman! After 20 years I can say I would still do it all over again although I have learned to balance my perfectionism. Working from a home studio was hard - especially prior to computers. I made sure that my child (and her friend who I looked after) were quiet when the phone rang, but apart from that they could chatter and play away and totally engage with me. They had their own special corner inside the studio with desks and could play outside where I could see them. When they needed my attention I would sit on the floor and talk to them eye to eye - so for that moment they had a one-to-one. We would also go on regular mini outings for morning tea or lunch, sometimes with a neighbour and her children - like down to the creek or river with a picnic basket. Then they would have a rest or engage with a book or drawing whilst I went back to work. If I had to attend a school function I would make up the time at night. I felt an obligation to do the right thing always by both my family and my clients. I didn't feel right to let the team down either way and I always made sure my family knew I loved them. This is where my dad and I were very similar. The hardest years were the high school years when I was constantly driving long distances, coping with teen dilemmas, as well as working at night to catch up. I think the best part of being solo is being able to juggle the hours and make sure that the children, partner and clients get the best attention with also time for myself. As my clients pay me for my creative time, they deserve my attention when I speak with them. But I limit business calls to business hours. Nowadays, I still try to focus for children's conversations, even though many conversations are now on the mobile every day or every other day! Relationships with our adult children are just as important. After recent university studies my daughter said to me that she now realised how hard it was for me to juggle everything - especially the years I was on my own - but that she was so thankful I was always there for her when she needed me. She is now a very balanced, caring and independent person. It's definitely a question of balancing the time we have and making the best choices at the time with the information that we have. The only thing that is constant is change. I also consistently update my skills. Fleetingly I am envious of women who get paid for holidays and days off and appear so perfect. But I quickly let that go as I chose this way of working. I am certainly not perfect - I still make mistakes. But I pick myself up and keep on keeping on and doing my best. And I do take time out for myself so that I do not burn out. I love my work, my family and creatively doing the best I can. And I am grateful. Karen from Springwood NSW
Karen,(and Karen), I couldn't agree more. As a mother of 3 (and one of the mothers asked to write about this subject - the product of which will be online soon) I think that you should do what suits you, your business and your family. There are far too many variables to say that you should do something or not. There are options available for every scenario and it basically comes down to personal preference. Personally I have worked since my oldest was a few weeks old. At the time I was employed by a company in the city and I pushed to work from home while I was on maternity leave so that I could establish that arrangement when my leave was up. I managed to work two days in the city and a couple of days from home. After son number 2 I insisted on working from home permanently and travelling to the city for meetings. After son number 3 I decided it was time to go it alone! This sort of thing doesn't suit everyone but it's perfect for me. I find that I'm available for school events and I can organise my time so that I can spend time with them, school holidays are not filled with them being in vacation care day after day and I still have time to fit in a few things for myself like the gym and my volunteer work in rugby (my passion). Karen Morris from Sydney | Read my articles
Thank you for your view on working and being a mum. I combine working on my writing and PR business with looking after my 20-month-old son. I often find myself wondering how other women do it and manage to keep it all together, but once I talk to them I realise they are just like me and muddle their way through it. I realised this more than ever this week when my son had measles and both of us were under house arrest. He couldn't go to day care in his infectious state and so I couldn't do as much work as usual. Both of us went a bit stir crazy as our weekly routine was changed, but we managed. I wouldn't change the way I work (or mother), in fact I am constantly wondering how I can work less (and earn the same) so I can spend more time with him as I know this day, this word, this expression won't come again. Johanna Baker-Dowdell from Wamberal, Australia
Being a self-managed salesperson before Flying Solo, I spent quite a bit of during the week time with my kids when they were little and obviously more since Flying Solo.
I could've worked harder and made more money, but for what?
I've never regretted it even once and never will !
(For those with doubts, I suggest listening to the song 'Cats in the Cradle' by Harry Chapin).
Grant Hyman from Sydney | Read my articles
The hardest years were the high school years when I was constantly driving long distances, coping with teen dilemmas, as well as working at night to catch up. Robert from Sydney

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