Are you Mr or Miss Understood?

Sam Leader If there’s one breed of person I have little time for, it’s so called shock jocks. These talk radio DJs earn fabulous sums by making provocative and often offensive comments… all in the name of entertainment.

I remember reading an interview with a shock jock’s wife who claimed “The poor guy feels misunderstood because he’s actually very quiet and sensitive.”

This supposedly softer side is kept well under wraps while he’s on air. Meanwhile, his bigotry influences tens of thousands of people.

Those who complain about feeling misunderstood put the onus on others to decipher what they’re ‘really’ like. It’s unfair to expect others to dig around for the right message because, quite naturally, people take one another at face value.

Therefore, we need to take full responsibility for how we behave.

Gandhi said “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.” It’s true that people with a positive nature favour transparency, behave consistently and are at ease with themselves.

Meantime, misunderstood moaners are prone to muddled thinking, are easily upset and often seem unhappy in their own skin.

I realise people are complex, layered and prone to moods and there will always be a margin of error between what we give out and what others interpret. For example, you may assume you’re behaving one way (amusing/risqué) while others are picking up different signals (sarcastic/rude).

But if we can work towards consistency in our thoughts and behaviour, we’ll find others responding more positively in return.

I believe this is at the heart of healthy relationships with friends and family, as well as clients and prospects.

Do you often feel misunderstood? Is it confronting to think this could be your fault? Or is what you see what you get? Let us know online.

For what it’s worth, I can often have an about face during a single conversation, so don’t know where I get off spouting on about consistency.

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Until next time,

Love your work.

Sam

Sam Leader is a director of Flying Solo and its editor. She is the co-author of Flying Solo - How to go it alone in business.

12 comments | Add your own 1 2 | Next» View all»

Once, I had coworkers who saw me as "difficult" to work with---although I had no idea I was coming off this way. At first I was offended, and then very saddened, at finding this out. Later, upon trying to come to terms with being a "difficult" person, I asked a close friend, "Am I really that bad?" His response was "Not necessarily...you're just misunderstood."
But truth be told, I've never felt "misunderstood." I've always lived, worked, and dealt with others as honestly and straightforward as I know how. So I wasn't buying my friend's answer. Instead, I decided simply to recognize that I CAN sometimes be difficult when dealing with others---but that's just how I am!
There's no need to feel bad or "misunderstood" about it. I just try to stay aware of my less-than-sociable tendencies, and change my behavior when I see fit to do so. Otherwise, I'm all me, all the time! Terry from USA
finding a way to tell people honestly that their behaviour is unhelpful changes with each personality.
Some you can joke with, some you can tell honestly, some are like walking on fire.
The bible says' as a man thinks so is he'
in other words thoughts come from the inside of people and their words reflect their thoughts,
Take the plunge you man help someone if you tell them their behaviour is unacceptable Carole McIntosh from Barrington NSW
misunderstood... hmmm perhaps the whole term is misunderstood!
I left a career (and commenced a new one) because of a boss exhibiting psychotic behaviour and who claimed to be misunderstood. It is - I know I am only preaching to the converted here - all very well to discuss these matters but what do you do when your own boss is allowed by management to make your life a living hell?
I did for many years try to modify my behaviour or even my reaction to the bullying and harassment I was experiencing. Eventually I realised it was not my behaviour that was offensive and left the workplace. Rather unfortunate as it was a great job and I loved it - prior to psycho boss that is.
No switches for this guy as he is still practicing in all his glory (or innocence) as he pleads not guilty.
I have conceded to his deviate brilliance, I was just not able to handle it for any longer.
I know now that there are many managers like him, who are also encouraged (perhaps to a lesser degree at times) to behave in this manner. It is unfortunate.
The positive from the experience was that I have left the workplace from hell and am happier with my lifestyle, only a little poorer (fiscal) than I was.
I had forgotten that some of the best things in life are free, I have not forgotten that money does make the world go round though.
My lifestyle has been modified, I have learned to be more assertive and to stand my ground but not be stubborn.
to the psycho's of the world, Thanks. chris from oz
Bullies usually feel they are victims (and feel they are therefore justified in behaving as they do).
It takes two to make a relationship. A commitment to being in harmony with oneself helps. So does a commitment to listen to the other(s). Evan Hadkins from Sydney, Australia
I am often misunderstood. Normally in the morning ... around 5:30 ... when I stumble out of bed and say something along the lines of ... "But I don't WANT to go to training ... " - this is often taken as 'whinging' by my long-suffering partner. But I maintain he misunderstands ...
Otherwise - no, I'm not misunderstood. But then, I am VERY deliberate about the way I communicate and behave. I hold strongly to my values and everything I do falls in line with them.
There are times I HAVE been misunderstood - where by living in line with my own values it was considered that I thought I was better than everyone else ... which I always found bizzare ... I don't expect everyone else to live by my rules ... I'm just doing my thing ... but some people are very threatened by that.
I don't find I really have this problem anymore ... it was more a symptom of my early to mid 20's ... where I think most people were insecure and likely to lash out at anyone who stood out in order to hide what they saw as their own shortcomings. The older I get, the more excepting I find people are ... many fewer misunderstandings these days. Leela Cosgrove from Sydney
I read the same interview, Sam! The wife was the one who misunderstood the situation in believing that his obscene behaviour was in any way excusable. For those who think they might be the victm of a bully, I suggest the quick quiz (under the Interact heading) at http://www.abc.net.au/catalyst/stories/s1360571.htm ! Grant Hyman from Sydney | Read my articles

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