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Burgo
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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
“The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
“Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs.”

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’
– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the
catalog: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’
– Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister,
and now wish to withdraw that statement.
– Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close
together as possible.
– George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
– Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
– Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
– Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
– Jim my Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
 Alex Levine
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
– Joe Namath

I hope these dont offend?