Wellbeing

7 biggest mistakes most people make trying to deal with insecurity

- February 8, 2021 4 MIN READ

The fear of not being good enough is something we all deal with on some level. This insecurity shows up in ways that limit every area of life. From tolerating poor relationships, never asking for a raise, low self-esteem or even mental health issues; insecurity is a massive issue in the world today.

Thankfully, there are seven essential practices for eradicating this fear and solving the insecurity problem for good. Yet, unfortunately, most people make one or more of the following seven mistakes instead, which only makes their insecurity worse.

1. Running away

The first mistake is to run away and hide from the things you fear most. The common belief is that because insecurity is so prevalent, at best, it can only be managed and avoided. As a result, most people cover up their insecurities and pretend everything is ok. People are insecure about being insecure! The problem is that wherever you go, there you are. You can’t escape yourself. When you lay your head down to sleep at night, there you are with your fear, and your fears taunt you. 

The insecurity problem is only solved by stepping into the light and facing your fear instead. 

2. Hoping to be rescued

Mistake two is to look outside yourself for this problem to be solved. Most people believe the reason they are insecure is because of hurtful things said and done to them in the past. This leads to seeking kind people to rescue and validate them as their strategy for feeling good about themselves and building self-esteem. 

The truth is, insecurity is simply a problem within your own opinion of yourself. You are not the actor in the story written by someone else. You are the one writing the story.

3. Mask, medicate and manage

The next mistake is to suppress the pain caused by insecurity. This leads to short-term wins and band-aid solutions. While it is possible to escape pain in the short-term, the long-term pain only escalates and compounds.

The insecurity problem gets solved when we stack the pain instead. Feeling crappy about yourself is supposed to feel like crap. That’s the point. It’s not the way we were designed to feel. That pain is actually a loving message from yourself to motivate lasting change. 

4. Dreaming in the dark

In order to overcome insecurity, you must have a compelling vision for how you want your life to be. However, the big mistake here is to let your insecurity dampen and dial down what you truly desire. It is as though some people have been in a dark room for so long, they forgot what the sun looks like. Their dreams are so watered down, shallow and insipid that they don’t have the power to motivate them out of the place they are in. 

Being crystal clear about what you really want for your life is the only thing powerful enough to give you the reason to change. 

5. Seeking help from the wrong people

At some point we all need some assistance to face our deepest fears about ourselves. However, the big mistake here is getting help from the wrong people. Reaching out is important and healthy, yet it can’t be from friends and family who care about you as they will only get in the way. Those who have a vested interest in your life can’t help but want you to be better than you are. As well intentioned as this may be, it is in fact a form of judgement. They have positioned themselves as the expert in your life and as such have set about to fix you. This is never helpful. At best, it produces a short-term effort in the right direction, but internally it can only ever produce resentment and actually hinder you from moving forward. 

Instead, get help from someone who doesn’t care about you. Someone who can bring a high level of objectivity and empowerment. 

6. Fighting against yourself

Mistake number six is to use self-discipline is the main strategy for self-improvement. The faulty thinking here is that all you need to do is try harder and exert more effort, energy and focus. This leads to fighting against yourself and forcing yourself to do the things you least want to do. Discipline has its value, but for most people it’s often the only tool in the shed. It is massively overrated as a lasting change strategy because it is cruel and unkind, and eventually undermines trust with yourself.  

When you stop fighting and actually acknowledge that all resistance is driven from love it allows you to be grateful, cooperative and to work with yourself instead. That is the real hero’s journey.

7. Just be positive

The final mistake is to try and rewrite a new story over the top of the old one. The common belief is that positivity fixes everything. This leads to affirmations on your mirror and constantly reminding yourself that you are enough in an attempt to override years of negativity or fear. While this thinking is very mainstream, it cannot bring about lasting change. The moment you get tired or stressed, the old insecurity narrative takes over as it always has done. 

In order to re-write your story effectively, you have to clear the slate first. This means fully deconstructing limiting beliefs all the way back to their origin and rendering former opinions obsolete.  

This post was written by Jaemin Frazer. Jaemin  is a renowned life coach, TEDx speaker and author of ‘Unhindered -The 7 essential practices for overcoming insecurity’. He is the founder of the Insecurity Project and specialises in helping entrepreneurs, leaders and business owners eradicate insecurity so they can show up to life unhindered by doubt, fear and self-limiting beliefs.  He is widely recognised as one of Australia’s best life coaches and a leading voice globally on the subject of personal insecurity. Find out more at www.jaeminfrazer.com