Health + wellbeing

How to destroy a business owner

- September 26, 2016 2 MIN READ

Warning: This guide will cause the downfall of any solo business owner. It’s a proven and brutal method to be used on your sworn enemies only.

Phase 1: Operation Overload

The first thing we need to do is pile way too much work onto their plate. We want to trick your sworn enemy into doing this all by themselves, so we need to get the right trap into their hands. Such a trap does exist. It’s a diabolical device sure to ruin the best business owner. It’s called The Calendar, (some of you may have heard of variations called The Diary or The Organiser).

Buy them one as a gift.

How it works: It’s divided up into equal units of time, and your nemesis will feel compelled to start maniacally adding ‘tasks’ of all shapes and sizes, one after the other, as if all tasks fit neatly into 30-minute blocks. Ha ha! I hear you, it doesn’t make sense, but trust me they’ll fall for it.

Once your enemy is fully in the grip of The Calendar, they’ll find themselves always behind and will compensate by working longer. They’ll no longer have time for exercise, healthy eating or recreation, and will slowly start to slide into depression.

You have them right where you want them for phase two.

Phase 2: Distraction Ambush

You follow them to Officeworks, and after listening to them complain you’ll utter these six magic words – You need to work more efficiently.

Selling them on the concept of efficiency is the easiest thing you’ll ever do. Who wouldn’t want to get more done in less time? The execution of this phase is straightforward. Simply put everything they could ever need right at their fingertips at all times:

  • Fill their desk with papers, notes, and all their files.
  • Install an internet browser with unlimited tabs.
  • Email should be permanently available on one tab.
  • Put two or even three computer screens on their desk. Your buzz-phrase here is ‘triple your productivity’.

That will do the trick, but for extra oomph, make sure their desk is set up at home. Yes, the family home! With their children, television and everything.

Phase 3: Inception

Next, you’re going to insert a ‘productivity device’ right in their pocket! You’ll load this sucker with email, electronic to-do lists, productivity software – the works. Be sure to include Dropbox, Evernote, and Slack so there’s no possibility of a reprieve from work. And they’ll receive an audible alert from the device anytime a friend speaks to another friend.

You will find this hard to believe, but the device is now operating the business owner in every waking moment. Even in bed, and (no word of a lie) even on the toilet.

Phase 4: Enjoy

Wait. Were you expecting them to collapse catastrophically? No, it’s much better than that. They’ll keep going! Having fallen for your trap, your enemy won’t be fighting to escape, they’ll be fighting to do even more.

Get more software.

Take less time off.

Spend less time with family.

They’ll be so determined to win the battle. But of course they can’t win, they never will.

Their only hope now is for a kind soul like you to show them the trap they’ve fallen into. They can’t beat it, but might still have a chance to escape.

Do you know a business owner who needs rescuing? Feel free to share this article with them! (Or their significant other).