Want to make a change? Get advice from someone who doesn’t care about you
When life coach Jaemin Frazer came up with the name of his business, The Insecurity Project it went against every ‘rule’ in the business book.
“Everybody says that your business should name the solution not the problem,” Jaemin told Flying Solo.
But in the case of Jaemin’s business and philosophy, the problem is everything.
(It’s also a fabulous SEO search term that garnered lots of success! But that’s a story for another time…)
As an insecurity coach, Jaemin’s clients come to him at a truly pivotal time in life.
He describes it as a place where you have “stacked the pain” of repeating old patterns and life experiences that really don’t serve you.
“You realise I can’t keep living my life like this… It’s weakening me! It’s destroying me and ruining everything. And if I don’t turn and face this and work my way through it, it’s just going to get worse.”
According to Jaemin this most often occurs at middle age, somewhere between the 40’s and 50’s, where things may have started to go wrong, or life has not turned out the way we’d hoped.
“We still have insecurity when we are young but we haven’t yet experienced enough of the pain to be motivated to change,” Jaemin told Flying Solo.
Insecurity is unexamined fear of the self
Insecurity is essentially unexamined fear around opinions we formed about ourselves in reaction to life events, and Jaemin says the only way through is to face the fear head on.
“Fear unexamined grows to the point of being overwhelming, but fear examined diminishes. Every time you leave fear in the dark it becomes abstract (a bit of a monster) – we are never afraid of the thing, we’re afraid of the thought of the thing.”
“The role of dissolving the fear of a monster under your bed is to turn all the lights on (and burn the house down if there is a monster under the bed!) But as we all know there really isn’t a monster, it’s just our worst fear. Our unexamined fears and negative beliefs about ourselves grow in the same way – we become afraid of our opinion of ourselves,” says Jaemin.
And now for some good news!
“Opinions are not objectively true; they’re a guess or an idea that’s probably wrong… and you can change that opinion when you’re ready.”
Undertaking this kind of inner work will big, happy changes but Jaemin says not everyone is ready for the “calamity” that facing this stuff can bring.
“Most people will find a way to avoid facing their fears and prop themselves up with things that make them feel safe. And sometimes that works okay; it seems to provide enough safety that they never experience the calamity of things going awry,” says Jaemin.
But if you do decide to face your worst fears, then there is no end to the goodness.
“When you do, you get to bring your gift to the world and we all benefit,” says Jaemin.
So what’s the secret to getting it right?
According to Jaemin it’s a combination of willingness to do the work and having someone by your side to act as guide, who doesn’t care for you at all.
“If you think about this journey about solving our own story and beliefs and fears it’s parallel to the hero’s journey where there is always a wisdom character. There is always a guide, a Yoda or Dumbledore. Someone who helps the hero slay the dragon, because nobody is coming to save them. Nobody is going to do it for them! Think of the Lord of The Rings and imagine if Gandolph said to Frodo, here give me the ring and we’re going to make it disappear and I’ll go back to bed. Like, that’s a dumb story!”
“So often people think insecurity started outside of them so they look outside for it to be fixed. They want someone else to tell them that they’re awesome. And I think we look to do that for others. Look at the popularity around social memes that say “you’re enough”. If that stuff could work, it would have worked a long time ago. It’s all about your own readiness, to face your own dragon. Nobody can fix that for you. You have to save yourself.”
“Even though you think it’s the fear of whatever it is that’s holding you back, it’s never actually the fear. It’s never the thing, it’s always the implications of the thing,” says Jaemin.
“If you can keep chunking down that fear and turn all the lights on, then you can start to actually do some good work and resolve that fear. Because if you don’t resolve that fear you are going to show up anxious and worried and obsessed and not at peak performance. To be your best you have to show up at your best which means resolving your insecurity at the deepest level.”
If you’re reading this and having a quiet panic, you are not alone! Stripping back the layers of your life is not exactly appealing in the cold stone light of day. So, does this kind of work come with some kind of guarantee?
“Yes of course! It’s not actually a monster,” says Jaemin. “Everyone else knows you’re alright. It’s just your own opinion of yourself that needs to be tested. It was never actually a monster under your bed, it was a mouse with some tin cans, creating a shadow. It’s the Wizard of Oz! An old guy pulling the strings. But nobody can tell you that you have to go and find out for yourself.”
Jaemin Frazer has just published his latest book, Unhindered. Order now.