Dear big, massive, ideal client, Thank you for getting in touch to request a proposal for my services. I was so honoured when you selected little old me to be officially added to your ‘strategic solutions partners preferred supplier list’.

Me, a humble solo business man that could feast for a year on just one crumb from your delicious blue chip, and you, a multinational solutions provider.

You had me at hello.

I dared not even whisper the words ‘lucrative monthly retainer’ for fear of scaring you away.

Yet I could already feel the warm plastic of fresh bank notes as you casually talked up the important, long-term strategic projects that you had in the pipeline for me to ‘roll out’ throughout Q3 and Q4.

I wasn’t the least bit worried when the first project was ‘parked’ due to a restructure of your department. These things happen.

I didn’t blink an eye when the three meetings we had to discuss company-wide project number two – code-named ‘Project Camelot’ – didn’t seem to lead anywhere. Just to be there amongst ‘senior business decision makers’ got my blood pumping.

I was even happy to re-present to your steering committee and ‘revisit my costings’ based on the change of scope mandated by the US office.

But I hit pay-dirt when you finally ‘pulled the trigger’ on our first beautiful project together. I remember it well…

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It was after four on a Friday afternoon. I’d just cracked a Heineken and my thoughts were drifting away. I was snapped awake by the ding of email and rudely poked in the eye by your menacing red flag.

“Great news!” it read. “My boss has approved your proposal. The thing is though, she’s on holidays next week, so we’ll need it back first thing Monday. Have a great weekend!”

And, after a hard weekend ‘pulling out all the stops’, I realised you’d saved the best for last…

“Thanks for sending that through so quickly – I hope your weekend wasn’t too busy!? Pam didn’t end up getting a chance to look at it before she left, so it will have to wait a few weeks now.”

Still, at least I only had to make seven phone calls and wait 99 days for payment.

Now, all that’s left to do is add your shiny logo to the ‘clients’ page on my website.

I can then mention our ‘high-level strategic partnership’ to every single prospect I talk to from now until eternity.

Bestest!

Noel Ranger