Counsellor and leadership coach, Zern Liew, shares his top tips to learn to show empathy – even if it doesn’t come naturally to you.
As part of our lives as solopreneurs, we come across many different people who hold many different viewpoints. To deal effectively with those who have a different opinion to our own, empathy is an important communication technique to develop.
I believe we all have three basic needs when interacting with others and understanding these will help us to more effectively deal with others, and improve our communications skills and techniques.
Everyone wants to be heard and understood
Understanding another’s viewpoint, especially one that is the opposite of yours, takes empathy and listening skills. Empathy means the ability to understand another viewpoint so well, you could just about walk in their shoes, regardless of whether you agree with them or not.
Counsellors often describe a mental approach called ‘unconditional positive regard’. This is where you suspend judgement and your ego needs in order to pay full attention to the other person.
Here’s how to do that:
- Start by communicating your intention to understand their position by saying something like, “I can see you are upset, help me understand why you are upset.”
- Then let them tell their story without interrupting or being defensive.
- As they talk, you need to communicate your understanding with words of affirmation like, “That must be so frustrating for you” or “I can see now why that would annoy you.”
These responses must be genuine, of course.
Although empathy is intangible, its effects can be surprisingly real. I have seen an upset person do a 360 degree turn and become accommodating and co-operative once they realised I understood their position and did not judge them for their feelings.
On the downside, some people can mistake your empathy for the unconditional support of their viewpoint. Just because you understand someone’s viewpoint, you don’t have to agree with it – or even like it. That remains your prerogative.
Everyone wants to feel valued and included
The best way to build inclusiveness is to show your respect. Ask for feedback and opinions, value everything you hear, and show your appreciation. Talk to and listen to everyone on the project. Start with the intention that everyone has something to offer.
I once had to work with someone who insisted everything was a mess. I persisted in involving him in all discussions; I often asked him in private why he thought a particular issue was unsolvable. Funnily enough, most of the time, he did have something valuable to say. Over time, his abrasive demeanour abated as he realised I actually cared about what he was contributing.
Everyone wants to be engaging in something worthwhile and meaningful
Knowing you are working your butt off on something completely pointless has got to be a low in anyone’s work. When people are not given an opportunity to understand the big picture of what they do, or cannot see meaning in their activity, they become disengaged. Productivity and quality suffer as a result.
Even as consumers, we seek meaning in our purchases beyond just the product specifications. The ever-present demand for brand name goods is one clear example.
I don’t believe you can create meaning out of thin air; what is meaningful to you may not be so to another person. The skill here is to find and express the meaning inherent in your project or business, and make it relevant and accessible to the right people. You may have to communicate this meaning differently to the various people involved in your business.
The communication skills I have outlined assumes you are dealing with people who are generally reasonable and have good self control. Unfortunately, these communication techniques may not work as well with the small minority of people who have anger issues or personality disorders. All the empathy in the world won’t be able to get through to someone who is on an aggressive attack. I set clear boundaries – verbal or physical abusive is unacceptable.
Telling me how to feel, think, or perceive a situation is unacceptable. In the rare occasion when this has happened, I immediately and calmly walked away. Remember, it is your responsibility to look after yourself.
This article was originally published in 2007 and has been updated for 2022.
Join the soloist movement. Whether you are new to Flying Solo or looking to grow your business, our membership options will help you attract more leads, grow your network and sharpen your business skills. Sign up to our newsletter to get the latest news and advice straight to your inbox.
Now read this:
